Perceptions

For those of you that actually read this blog, you may remember my assigned poem called “The Grave”. It was part of a project where everyone in my class had to write a poem and analysis to go with it. Well, my teacher felt that a lot of the poems were really very good, and collaborated with the literary magazine Plain Brown Wrapper to extend the deadline so people could submit their creation. Pretty much my entire class wanted me to send mine in, and even a few people outside it told me to submit as well. In some sense, I did not really want to let people down, and thought about submitting it. But, much to the confusion of my incredulous class mates... I simply could not do it. In the end I just could not bring myself to fill out the form. A big problem for me I could not send in anonymously. It was just too intimidating.

So, one might ask, why am I rambling on about this? Well, I have found that I am not the only one who feels that way. And, unfortunately, they are also met with a sense of “Why wont you just submit it already? What is the big deal?”. It seems that people find it hard to understand why doing this is so frightening for some people. I want to try and explain what the big deal is. To many, submitting is nothing more than filling out a form and taking a shot at it. For them, the worst thing that can happen is not getting in, and that is not such a big deal. It does not really affect you right?

For someone like me, that is far from right. Submitting is not such a simple matter. When we send our work in, especially with a name on it, we are sending it to be judged by other people. We are opening ourselves up to rejection. This experience can be extremely nerve racking, especially if you dislike your own work. Some people are their own worst critics. They look at their creations and see all the little flaws. They see all the problems in flow, and diction, and sentence structure. They find all the instances of triteness and unnecessary repetition. And when someone else looks over their piece, all those flaws suddenly appear a lot bigger and more evident. Even a paper conference with a draft can be beyond stressful. It can feel as though the work is so awful, they have done something morally wrong by burdening the reader with it. This can be especially true with a panel of judges. Let us create a writer who has these elements in his disposition, and have him send in his work. He now faces two possible outcomes. If they were to reject the piece, it would confirm the worst fears of the writer. That his writing was not good enough, it never was. That he was a fool for ever sending it in when clearly it was not worth the paper he wrote it on. That his hope of its value and success were naive and in vain, and he should never have believed otherwise. Worse yet, his name was on it. Now everyone who judged the poem might connect it to him. They will connect the failure to him. Suddenly they are no longer judging poetry, they are judging the poet behind it as well. Their opinions of the writing become their opinions of the writer, and this thought can become more than one can bear. Or the other path, god forbid, if it would be accepted somehow by some miracle or oversight, then he feels as if it is on display for the whole world to see. That everyone will now read it and form opinions about him. They will connect it with his name, and now the feeling of dread and anxiety is even worse because it goes beyond the room of judges. Now, people everywhere will see it. And suddenly those flaws, so obvious to him, become even more glaring and painful. They become so evident that he feels as if everyone must, simply must, see them. And now, now he can not remove it. He can not take it down, or make it go away. It is there forever, for everyone to see, and there is nothing he can do. In the end, he regrets ever touching the form in the first place. And the worst thing is this experience will follow him all of his life. He will constantly remember this day, and wince whenever he does. The anxiety and stress may even reoccur.

I know for those of you out there who do not see it this way, that this may not make much sense. It may seem unreasonable. It may seem paranoid. It may seem like making a mountain out of a mole hill. But in the end, there are many of us who do feel that way. Who do feel that anxiety and that fear. Who do face this stress. And even if you do not fully understand, I hope this will help explain to you why so many people are paralyzed by the thought of sending in their works. Sometimes the worse that can happen is getting rejected, and sometimes that is only the beginning.

-BlackFox

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