A Different Connection

Hallo reader. I hath come to grace thee with an assigned post. Yes, yes, I know. But we all must all make sacrifices for the academic arts.

In this case, we are going to take a look at the current topic we are writing about in class. At present, we are taking a look at the concept of online relationships (And not just the romantic kind. Friendships count too), and whether that connection across screens is a real, or for that matter desirable, one. Now, I normally would advocate actually being with someone as opposed to simply chatting through a messenger or awareness of the potential dangers involved. However… I noticed that very few seemed to look at the value behind that connection. They focused on the dangers and the unknowables, and they expounded upon the hits taken by intimacy and social skills, but few seemed to mention the view on the other side of the window. And, in the interest of fairness and the fact that these relationships do actually have some merit… I, for once, am going to defend them.

To start, I would like to contest the notion that a relationship on the internet - be it friend, family, or romance oriented - is automatically insufficient or unauthentic. Just because you interact with someone consistently online does not necessarily mean that this interaction is less meaningful. Not everyone behind the screen is a serial killer or a pseudo profile. In some very real cases, you can find good close friends online. You can form real connections and real relationships with people. As an example, suppose we arbitrarily define “a real friend” as someone you trust unconditionally. Someone who you are able to lower your defensive walls and be open with. Someone you can discuss painful or personal things with, without the fear of being rejected or injured. If I have a friend online that provides this for me, are they not a “real friend”? Additionally, just because you can physically interact with a person does not automatically make the relationship stronger. People can still be shallow and cruel and unreliable or deceiving in real life. If for instance, I meet a man in real life who lies to me about his name and occupation, is that any different from using a false profile on a dating site? The validity of the relationship is not determined by the medium by which you interact, but the quality of the interactions. And yes being able to actually see or talk with this person - even better if you physically get together - is desirable, but it is not a requirement for the relationship to be genuine. I can still receive support, companionship, and joy from someone online without losing anything. I simply gain this connection in a different way. And for some, this different way is their salvation.

Not everyone is a social butterfly. Not everyone is able to open up or be themselves face to face. Some people need the protective barrier of a screen between them and whoever they are talking too. With it, they feel safe and secure enough to talk with the other person. This other person is someone they will not have to physically face every day in the hall or office. This is someone who has no idea who they are, and who will not associate their actions with their face. It offers greater protection and security from being hurt or rejected. Of course, there are some who will say: “And WHY do they need that barrier exactly? Because it exists! Since they have grown up with it, they have failed to develop any social skills at all! If the internet did not exist, then they would have to learn to interact with people the right way”! This is an argument that continues to mystify me, mainly because I do not see the logic behind it. A lack of existence does not imply a lack of need. This is the equivalent of arguing that a knight does not really need armor, and that having armor has only conditioned him to fight carelessly. If he did not have this unnecessary barrier between him and his imposing foe, he would have had to develop “real” fighting skills. If someone said this, we would call the argument foolish. While it would be true that some people may not need a barrier or that some people may misuse it and become careless, that does not negate the legitimate need for protection and security that many would require. Some of you may feel I am exaggerating here, but I assure you this is not a hyperbolic argument. For some, talking with someone can be just as intimidating as riding into battle. Especially if they have fought that battle before, and lost. There are people who have tried to interact with the “real world” the “right way”, and they have been burned.

And I don’t mean a pathetic burn that you just rinse some water on and brush away. I mean a deep scar leaving, slow healing burn. Burns that stay with you for a long, long time. The people who are burned like this simply do not get back into the social waters. They have been rejected and hurt and ridiculed to the point where they are no longer able or willing to try anymore. To create a friendship, let alone a romantic relationship, you need to have a basic sense of trust in the safety of trying to form one. You need to be secure in the fact that trying to connect with someone will not end in pain and rejection. Not just romantic wise, but in the sense of basic friendship as well. For many people, they no longer have this. I am not just talking about people with “trust issues”, or people who have been bullied or abused, or even people who are outright shunned and alone. They obviously relate to what I am saying, but the obvious or extreme cases are not the only ones that are relevant. I am talking about those people that seem fine or “normal”. People who put on a smile and allow only the socially correct parts of themselves to show. People who can’t be themselves, because their real face is considered weird, or stupid, or childish. People who have stopped reaching out and have started blending in. For them, the internet is a safe haven. It is a place where you can be yourself because you are anonymous. It is a place where you are not trapped in this cycle of interacting with the same people every day. It is a place where you can find someone who accepts you for you. And for many, it becomes the only place they feel they can ever really belong. One point of salvation on the internet is that personality matters more than appearance. You are not judged by how you look, you are judged by how you act and think. It takes away the pain of people associating your person and face with something of ridicule. It takes away the danger of facing those associations face to face. If you fail to connect with someone online, you simply never contact them again. If you fail in a “real life” setting, then you have to look that person in the eye every day you go back to that place. So yes the internet can be dangerous, but it can also be a godsend too. It depends on the perspective you look with. Not everything is as black and white as it may seem.

It is easy to tell people to get over things like this. It is easy to say they have issues. It is easy to say they need to grow up and deal with it. It is easy to say they just need better social skills. It is easy to say that if they would only do “x” then life would be so much better. It is easy to tell them the only friends or loved ones they have found are not “real” because they only speak with them online. It is easy to say these things when you have never been in that situation. But when you have been in that situation where being you means being alone, or even when you know someone who has, those things become a hell of a lot harder to say.

-BlackFox

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